When Khadigah asked this question, as usual there were a few moments, perhaps even minutes of silence. That is until Ali spoke up. I can’t remember if he spoke because Khadigah called on him, or if he spoke on his own accord. Regardless, he went on to say that he didn’t identify himself with the culture his parents were brought up in. Therefore, he didn’t feel the need to be ashamed. After he spoke, and I added my two cents in, the discussion finished and we moved on to another topic. But not before Khadigah told us that in her opinion everyone has “self-hate”, even if it’s a miniscule amount.
Throughout the meeting, my mind kept drifting back to this topic. Was I really ashamed of who I am? After intense deliberation, my answer was:
sometimes.
Most of my friends are non-believers. They don’t believe in God, and they definitely do not identify with any religion. Least of all Islam. I remember, when I initially was becoming friends with these best friends of mine, I made a conscious effort not to speak of religion or my beliefs. At the time, I thought I was doing this just because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable or make them feel like I was imposing my beliefs on them. Later, after much self-reflection and long talks about religion and spirituality with my non-believing friends, I realized my efforts had nothing to do with my friends. It had everything to do with me. I had not reached a point in my life where I was comfortable proclaiming my beliefs to the world. I was still unsure if I wanted to believe. I did not necessarily commit “self-hate”, but there was a lot of self-doubt.
Now, a few years later, and a few years more mature, I am firmer in my beliefs. Of course, I am definitely not done with my spiritual journey. Nor will I be for years to come. But I am closer to understanding why I choose to believe what I believe. I make it a goal not to follow Islam for the sole reason that my parents raised me as a Muslim. I want to follow Islam because it’s the only religion that jibes with my being.